So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
