your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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