I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
