I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
