I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
