Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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