Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
