I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
