You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
