You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
