I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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