so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
