I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
