She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
