I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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