when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize