i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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