Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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