the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
