i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
They have beer where we have blood.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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