Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
