bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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