Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
