Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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