We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
