I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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