You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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