just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
