Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
