I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
