There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
