Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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