You can't motorboat a personality
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
