I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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