my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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