Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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