Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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