my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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