I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize