WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize