I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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