I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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