I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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