life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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