And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize