And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
