OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
