i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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