Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I AM VODKA MAN
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Randomize
