I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
