After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
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