just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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