dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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