you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
