Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
