a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
