Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
