Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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