your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
