She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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