Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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