We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
