Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
