It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
